My year...

A good friend once told me that some years are for asking questions and other years are for answering them. From the very beginning of this year I knew that this was my time for answers. I asked many questions last year- many of them were asked to God, some were asked to important people in my life, many of them were asked to myself to figure what I wanted and who I wanted to become. During this time of questioning I learned a lot about myself, other people, companies, corporations, human behavior, and the such. Considering I'm only 22 and in a completely new environment, I'm still asking questions and I feel very young, but I don't feel lost or blindsighted like I did last year. Though I felt uneasy with questions last year, I never doubted my faith or what I knew I could accomplish. It was a hard year, but deep down I felt this strength I knew I possessed. It was this gut feeling that made me feel powerful in a time of the hardest period of my life thus far.

They say that you grow the most whenever you're in the lowest of the lows. It's understandable considering you wouldn't soak anything in if you were already satiated- in this case if you were very happy. When you're down you're able to soak up all the goodness because you're lacking it in some way. Now that I'm in my year of answers, I look back at all that I gained and learned through the experience.

I guess the main thing that brings this on is the upcoming one year anniversary of my singlehood. You may think that this 22 year old sounds ridiculous, but this day in age one year is a long time to go without a relationship, dates, or sex. It's a choice people of my generation make, and the choice to stay single has made me a minority. A year ago I said, "I want to be single for a year." Sure, there were many times in that year that I really didn't want to be single, but deep down my soul and emotional foundation knew that I should be. There were many times that I felt lonely, but never desperate. Now that I'm embarking on this one year of singlehood, I don't think I've ever felt this empowered. I did it. I really did it. And the thing that gets me, is that even though there were many times when I didn't want to be single, deep down the core of who I am made the right decisions to follow out the steps to accomplishing my goal. It makes me realize that I grew enough to watch out for me and what I truly needed. It's like I was 2 different people, and the smarter one won.

So I feel good. I feel powerful. I feel like I've conquered this whatever you call it journey to learn about myself, take care of myself, protect myself, and in the long run be a better person to myself and whomever I run into.

Yeah, I still have doubts. I still have self esteem problems. I still question and analyze way too much, but that's the thing- I question. I question a lot so that I can end up with the best of everything. I question myself so that I can be a better person. I question corporations so that I can give my money to things I feel strongly about. I question the people I'm around so that I can surround myself with the upmost positive energy.

It drives me crazy whenever people don't question things. Especially women! Question who you're with. Question what you're putting into your body. Question the level of respect you have for yourself. What? If you don't question things will you look more feminine? Do you think men will like you more? Do you think you'll have more friends? What are your priorities? Settling for second best, or taking the harder road to get what you ultimately want?

These questions and the partial answers (I say partial because I'll never be finished learning) didn't just come about because I read a new book or listened to a new style of music. I didn't wake up one day and figure everything out- I had a very influential support system. I couldn't have done it at all without the strong women in my life. I've learned by example, and I've seen the strengths of many women. It's amazing to look back and realize that these women weren't necessarily trying to teach my something. They didn't wake up that day and look at their "womanly advice" lesson plan. Their core beings are beautiful, strong, loyal, talented, and motivated, and by possessing those strong qualities they have passed on their wisdom to me. These strong women have been my motivation and upmost role models. They are the ones who've allowed me to question, because they gave me the safety net to be wrong, and to learn, and to grow, and to fall and know that they would catch me at any time.

At the same time, I will not dismiss the men in my life. Just this evening a girlfriend and I were talking about our fathers, and how strong women have fathers that encourage their daughters to be opinionated. Fathers that support their daughters want them to stick up for themselves and their beliefs. It goes back to the father looking after his daughter. If a father knows that his daughter is opinionated, he knows that that will be her protection. She won't be as weak, or unsafe, as a girl that gives in or bends to situations that could put her into danger. A woman's opinion is her strength, and we can use it to our advantage.

After talking to my girlfriend about this, a lot of loose ends were tied together. It makes sense that I'm opinionated like my father. It makes sense that we tend to argue about totally opposite beliefs. It makes sense that he makes me incredibly feisty- because he makes me question things. He makes me stick up for myself. He challenges my beliefs and who I am, and who I want to be. Sometimes I used to think that we just had a tendency to argue, when now I realize that he was teaching me to stick up for myself, and not be weak, and forced me to learn about who I was and to be proud of what I stood for.

This whole time I wasn't sure if my father appreciated or liked the fact that I was a feminist, but now I realize that he's proud of me because of it. I'm sticking up for myself, Dad. I respect myself. I want to make you proud, but above all you've taught me ways to be proud of myself. This whole time you've looked after me and held me under your fatherly protection, you've been secretly showing me how to grow (slightly) away from you so that I can protect myself.

So here I am a year later- a year wiser in many ways as well. The people in my life have been my complete support system. I think about them when I walk around the farmer's market, whenever I imagine myself winning the lottery, whenever I'm sad and I need that protective net, but most of all I think of them when I'm happy, and grateful, and so full of love I can burst.

Even now as I read and reread and proofread this blog, I am overcome by some sort of spirit. I'm never alone, I will never be alone, and whether it be one year or many, I have an abundance of love and support in my life.

What a year, huh? Let's see where I'll be next year at this time.

A ton of love love.
Em