I'm still here and definitely kicking

Well, well, well. Welcome back old friends. This blog will hopefully be the start of more blogs to come. If you hadn't noticed I...ahem...haven't posted in a while. The truth is I went to Ireland and Wales to study my heritage in hopes of finding out how far back the term "Loud Family" came into play. Kidding.

The real truth is New York City. I've been here learning, figuring out, and examining many things. This is the time in my life where I feel like a sponge again. I don't think I've ever done this much self exploration, and like I told my lovely mother yesterday- if I had to move across the country to learn about myself, so be it; I don't regret that decision at all. Not that they mind, except for the sheer fact that they miss me. I'll see them soon though- more on that later.

There are many things that have changed since moving here. I would definitely say that the "anything goes" attitude of NY has helped. I've come to enjoy alcohol (everything's ok in moderation, right Poppy?), I'm not nearly the germaphobe I was before moving here, I've dabbled in more natural and organic foods and ideas, I enjoy diversity even more than I did in Houston, I'm better at rolling with the punches, and I've learned that the subway is secretely the place where EVERYTHING happens, but what I don't see doesn't hurt me. I did see that dude digging in his nose and wipe it under the seat though, and that's what made me wonder what I put my hands and butt on everyday. I've come to question (of course the time would come) why I'm here, what I need to do with my life, and how I can benefit people.

The key to NY isn't how much money you make, how many gigs you get, how many people you know, or how pretty you are. OF COURSE those things play a huge factor, but the real key to making it here is self strength. There are a ton of people that can't handle it. It's a hard city to get in the middle of, and if you can't get ahold of yourself you fall into the pressures of the city and the people living here. You have to have control of yourself enough to stay true to who you are, while being open to new people and ever-changing situations.

Knowing that makes me feel that much stronger. It's hard here. It's really hard. Even if I try to surround myself with beauty everyday, I'm still bombarded with negativity, superficiality, or generally hard people and situations. Still, I have always said that this is the perfect place for me right now at this age. I have been thrown (I did it to myself, I'll admit that) into the lion's den (I obviously haven't lost the art of being dramatic...). But that's ok! I am forced to make decisions, more so than if I lived in any other city. This is because NY doesn't wait for anyone. If you can't keep up, you sink. More so, if you can't keep up, there will be someone else to fill your old role. Therefore, you have to know yourself and figure out where you want to go and who you want to be. If you don't know that, someone will figure it out for you- and there are plenty of people to imitate in this city.

But I'm not doing it. I'm not going to bend or settle, just accept. No one's perfect. I'm not, and have definitely fought with myself to accept that. I've come to accept that I stutter when I'm nervous. And fall in front of cute guys. And don't like listening to musicals. And have more meat on my body than ever before. Most of all, I've come to accept the fact that I'm here, learning, re-learning, and learning some more about who I am and who I want to be.

They say your first year in NY is the hardest. Well bitches, I have had my one year anniversary, and I am still here. Not only am I here, but I'm HEALTHY, making enough money to save for bigger and better things, emerged in positive friendships, and continuing (though it's always hard) to accept myself. It hasn't been easy, at all, but it's been fun. And I'm proud of myself, damnit!

More to come later. I promise.

Love love,
Em