News flash: Emily is still alive!

Woh! That title sounds fierce and overly dramatic. I like it.

No, I didn't put myself in harms way. I just haven't posted in a long time, and I wanted you all to know that I'm still here. Alive and kicking. Kicking old, white, rich, chauvanistic men in the knads. Men that eat at my steakhouse and think it's acceptable to be little bitches to me. But that's ok. I just kick them in their knads and they leave me alone. Done and done.

I'm just joking! To all the 4 men that read this blog, quit holding yourselves. I'm just teasing.

All joking aside, the job isn't really that bad. I've learned to let things roll off my shoulders. We're getting very busy with the season, so I'm frantically checking people's coats or taking them upstairs to private parties, but other than that it's fine. I ate at a fabulous vegan/vegetarian restaurant in the city last week that I would ADORE working at, but that will all come in time. I'm getting the bills paid, which is all I can ask for. Well, that and $300 to buy an ipod, but really those are the only things I'm asking for.

Life is pretty good right now. Haha...it seems to be on a weekly basis. That's pretty much the reason why I haven't written in a while. I don't write if I don't know what I want to say, and not knowing what to say is me 40% of the time. Plus, I don't like writing sad blogs, because frankly it's a lot more fun to read an uplifting blog than an "oh poor me" one. At the same time, I'm not going to deny my readers the truth. Hence the blog written on September 22nd. Goodness gracious.

Yes, I've been going through phases. It seems like the past year and a half of my life has been an ongoing phase. I guess it started in Austin when I was going to quit my day job to pursue film acting. That didn't happen. A year later (a couple weeks ago) another phase, this one serious enough to call my family and tell them that I'm quitting acting to go back to school in hopes of majoring in Women's Studies. I started researching top of the line schools, I told a few friends to keep their eyes out for day time job openings so that I can save money for school, and the new phase was in session. I then realized I still love the art of acting, so I couldn't just quit. In case you're wondering why I wanted to quit, I must say I have too much to write about to go into that. The reasons will one day be in a new blog, along with the reasons why I hate the birth control pill and why hormone replacement medicines are the devil.

Back to the task at hand- I'm now in my most current phase. The art of embracing the present. The present as in what's going on right now at this second, not the present that I left on someone's doorstep in a paper bag at 4:00 this morning. Joking again. Don't worry Mom. I wasn't out at 4:00 am in NYC. It was 3:30.

My most current phase is indeed the hardest. As many of you know, I've always been one to analyze and think too much about too many things. This has made life difficult because it doesn't allow me to see the road as clearly as the objective. I'm good at knowing what I eventually want, but I'm not good at living in the moment to ensure I'm enjoying what's happening in the mean time. I'm reading a great book by Paulo Coelho, The Pilgrimage, which reads: "When you are moving toward an objective it is very important to pay attention to the road. It is the road that teaches us the best way to get there, and the road enriches us as we walk its length. It is the same thing when you have an objective in your life. It will turn out to be better or worse depending on the route you choose to reach it and the way you negotiate that route."

The objective which seems to have been my burden for quite some time is my singlehood. I say that this is that hardest phase of all because it's constantly testing me. I don't like to be tested or put on the spot, hence the reason I don't like to debate, so this is really tough for me. My strength, character, and integrity is always up for discussion in this phase. Oddly enough, I never have any problems with those things when it comes to morals, drugs, sex, society, whatever, but when it comes to being single, I'm torn. Odd.

It's always been a struggle, but it's at the peak right now because I'm not sure why things are happening and when they're going to change. A year ago I knew exactly why I was single. I even knew 3 months ago why I was suppossed to be single. But now? That's where it gets tricky. I know there's a strong cosmic reason why I need this time to myself, I just can't figure it out. Then again, I'm not suppossed to figure it out. That's my problem. Being analytical, I try to come up with the reason. Then I read a passage about "my route" in The Pilgrimage and realize that I'm missing out on so many things that are happening right in front of my face. Pretty simple, huh? Yeah. Answers are not meant to be looked for, they're meant to be discovered without searching for them. The lessons I learn hit me with just the right amount on intensity- enough to knock me out, but not enough to bruise.

Everyday I'm being tested. I think it's that time in my life. I'm being asked who I want to be, what I want to do, and where I want to go. I think this city is the perfect place to be for this phase of my life. Everything's at my finger tips. Of course my support group doesn't hurt. (See previous blogs.)

There's so much more to write about. I'm going to start with this one, add some pictures, and maybe write another one immediately after finishing this. Until then, that's what's going on right at this second: my attempt to lay back and let things happen. I'm currently laying back under a quilt on the futon trying to stay warm. It's so chilly in my apartment my nose is cold. I might have to go talk to my landlord about turning on the heat. If he doesn't, I will be forced to kick him in the knads. Oh man. I'm making myself giggle over here. (Surprise, surprise.) You know I've literally never kicked anyone in the knads, right? I just like saying the word. Knads. And I don't even know if that's how you spell it.

Love love.
Em